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I have long lived by the device that you should accept yourself and find people that tolerate you, rather than being someone you tolerate and everyone else accepts. I have always prided myself in being me and not a product of other people's opinions. I still believe this device holds true, but what defines you at present, may not be the person who you desire to be, or might be hidden behind past layers of people you no longer like. Finding the present, and the person you want to be in the future is a hard thing to do, ever more so when you have travelled a false path you long thought where your truth. I recently found myself travelling a path that is not me and haven't been in a long time. For a moment I became a person I did not want to be, certainly never thought I would be and who I would despise to ever be again.

I have made my lives biggest mistake as an effect of blindly traveling full speed ahead in old tracks. Finding myself lost, far away from where I want to be and whom I want to be with. I have a place I want to travel to, someone I want to become, but I have no map, compass nor road to get there.

My emotional agony now professes as physical pain. My body no longer muster to be sad and I have no feelings of happiness, I'm living in a void. I do not wish to live with myself and the person I have become anymore. My life is defined by a Scroobius Pip song and this will be the last post I will publish in a very long time.

I need a change. I need to change.

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